Hmmn. sometimes, I do not like digging through things..especially that of my wife’s stuff..and I did a backup of the systems the other day, prior to the Windows 7 upgrade and yeah… this is an interesting commentary of Polygamy from her point of view, which makes me wonder.. whether that will she implement her own words into the real prospective, that is to look into the beauty of things, and self assessment.
I am just being just and I believe it’s plain karma…for U get what U give..and through time, I learn to let it be, forgive for whatever errors and hurt for it will come back to haunt me. My late ex-wife (well she was technically still was my wife then) told me to bury the hatchet and don’t dig up any of the past for it will only do harm, making me live in a horror and becoming a real walking living zombie…
So then, I am calling for comments.
Found the previous article while reading through last year’s Nona (October 2008) in my cousin’s, Cik, room. I browse through the magazine to see some baju kurung displayed, but to my dismay, there were either a)mostly using sheers which wouldn’t be workable for me, or b)sequined-up too much for my liking. And oh don’t forget, scrunched up sleeves a’la Siti Nurhaliza. Which really doesn’t suits me, anyhow, to begin with.
That article did not catch my attention even after browsing through the whole (thick bumper issue) magazine. Took the magazine home for there were actually couple of recipes that caught my attentions, and home it went with me.
Upon getting home, the magazine stayed where it was : inside the paper bag that I stashed it in previously. Decided to read through the magazine (Nor Azlina Redzuan was on the cover, by the way) and stopped by the article. Interesting, I thought to myself, so I read it through.
After finished reading through the short article, I pondered about the simplicity of the content. Or rather, how simplistic (there must be this word for this application did not highlight it!) the situation where one woman might have to face infidelity.
Bear in mind that I was only referring to the lady’s reference to her situation where her husband got married behind her back. The situation was hurtful, no doubt, but compounded by the fact that she was what most would term as the perfect wife. The author took note of the lady’s beauteous appearance, and the lady herself mentioned that she had been the perfect wife, as deemed in our Malay society.
She took care of him very well, ditto her bewilderment when he would take another. Shocked, too, that her six year old son found photos of her husband and this other woman in his cellphone, lips locked in passionate embrace (how else should it be?). How could she explain to her son what he was doing?
The author’s question whether her husband treated similarly before and after his marriage was to be expected. I would be surprised if the author did not ask the question, because mostly that would be what most would say as the important factor : Did he change after marriage?
And the lady’s answer that he did not, but he even go to the extent of treating her better than previously. Why am I not surprised? I detected some element of guilt there, what about you?
Some might say that as a woman, I would be biased. But, you know what, I am a woman. I am not going to candied up how I feel when reading this article.
What did I feel after reading that article? I feel sad, actually. Sad because what this lady faced was what most other ladies here faces. “It is not you, it is me. There is nothing wrong with you, baby, nothing. I am so sorry.” Does that sounds familiar?
She admitted that she took care of him, pampered him with her attentions, and he in turn, cosied-up to another woman. Were you in her situation, would you be dumbfounded? Would you be enraged? Or would you, like her, be sad? She was sad because she kept thinking that he would, undoubtedly, be doing with the other lady what he did with her, behind closed door. She did not wanted to share, at least not that.
Be honest. Would you want to share, in that way? You would not mind your husband doing double dipping, crassly put? You could, really? You would, for real?
Yes, Islam does allow a man to marry more than one. Four, actually, to be precise. But in order for a man to marry more than one, there are a lot of other criteria that he must fulfill. I wouldn’t go into that because I am sure there a wealth on information that anyone could gather just by g00gling the information online.
But what really rankles me was the idea that a woman must always keeps her cool. A woman must look deep inside herself, musahabah diri, when such situations arrive. Matters not that the husband already said that there is nothing wrong with her, some others would almost always come to the conclusion that the problem started with this woman, the wife.
The wife must be perfect. She must take care of the husband, both in bed and out. She also must make sure that the husband remember that he was responsible for her, and not take his vow in vain. She also must make sure that she herself is presentable, smelling sweet after slaving at home taking care of the kid/s, or after slaving at work trying to help the family financially.
She must make sure the his stomach was always filled, his emotional need always stacked up full. She also must make sure that she was good in bed, else he started straying!
In other word, she must be a superwoman.
But then, the author further said that a woman should not treat a man in a manner where he would feel that this woman is so in love with him, needed him, that she would not leave him no matter what. Pamper him too much, and he would be too secure of your emotions to him. He would know that you are emotionally tied to him, so he could do whatever he wanted and not worried about what you would do. But she still would need to be a superwoman, actually.
Tell me. Do you know a lot of superwoman out there?
I do.
But sadly, they needn’t too, kan?
Marriage is about sharing between two people, the husband and wife. Sharing here goes a long way, and it does not stop at sharing responsibilities.
To me, sharing goes a long way. Sharing could mean sharing the emotional load. Emotionally responsible to your partner. Yes, people do change. People will change. And with change, one way or the other, your emotion would be caught up in this change, too.
Be responsible. When your emotion changes, the responsible way to go about it would be to come clean. Don’t let your partner stay in the past, where they would still be caught up in their emotions to you, whilst you had moved on, and just stayed in the present due to pity. Or guilt. Or whichever was your poison.
Yes, your partner will hurt when confronted with the truth. But shouldn’t they know the truth from you? And not from a photo in your cellphone, found by the six year old son, at that?
I would not have that much experience in this, being married for just nigh under six years. But I understood how most women would think, how most women would feel. I understood her feeling betrayed, her feeling saddened by the situation, and I understood her bewilderment.
I understood what the author meant when she said that a woman should remember that have this certain x-factor, the one thing that their partner would find only in them, and not anybody else. She suggested that any woman to perfect (as it was) this x-factor so that their partner would only remember them in any situation, thus making the probability o them being unfaithful nil.
But when faced with the situation that their partner had already taken another wife, should it really matter what x-factor one had, I kept thinking to myself. I also kept thinking that should the partner kept thinking of their spouse, infidelities would not happen, no?
I also understood when the author suggested that this lady should, after all is said and done, turn back to God. God wouldn’t test a person if the person could not take it, after all.
But, I still don’t understand why a woman should still be, a superwoman. I will keep on listening to Karyn White. Hopefully I’ll find my answers there.
Footnote:
This was all written based on what I feel upon reading the short article. No men were injured or maligned during the course of writing the article.
So what do you think?
