Dan aku sedar apa dan siapa aku
Siapa diri ku ini, hanya seorang yang berjalan di atas bumi ini,
Dan hidup ini ibarat tempat aku berteduh sementara waktu.
Berteduh kerana bumi ini adalah tempat aku mencari rezeki, untuk akhirat nanti.

Akan tetapi, aku percaya akan apa yang telah terjadi dan akan berjadi adalah kehendak yang Illahi.
Yang baik sahaja akan berlaku dan aku kena faham akan pengajaran dan menghargai waktu aku.
Tapi janganlah aku di bazirkan begitu saja. Kerana aku tidak dapat merintih di hati.
Hanya Allah mengetahui dasar isi di hati ini


Drowning in Sorrows

The Art of Drowning, is not a part of Suffering

For Drowning in the water will diminish the form of the Human being,

The Art of Drowning, of one in one’s own sorrows bring so much in pain

That the one who is around him, is not much known of how he is dying, Drowning.

Got suspended again…

This time Pronethosting suspended me for downloading and proxying the MSDN files , namely the Windows 7 Enterprise Edition….. because Microsoft direct download is bad….and despite the throttle and fast download.
This is thanks to TELEKOM MALAYSIA and the 1MB shared bandwidth ..and the fact that the whole Malaysia is connected only to a 40GB link, with consumers using only 10Gbps link.

Errgh! I hate to say this..but it really sucks!


Hmmn. sometimes, I do not like digging through things..especially that of my wife’s stuff..and I did a backup of the systems the other day, prior to the Windows 7 upgrade and yeah… this is an interesting commentary of Polygamy from her point of view, which makes me wonder.. whether that will she implement her own words into the real prospective, that is to look into the beauty of things, and self assessment.

I am just being just and I believe it’s plain karma…for U get what U give..and through time, I learn to let it be, forgive for whatever errors and hurt for it will come back to haunt me. My late ex-wife (well she was technically still was my wife then) told me to bury the hatchet and don’t dig up any of the past for it will only do harm, making me live in a horror and becoming a real walking living zombie…

So then, I am calling for comments.

Found the previous article while reading through last year’s Nona (October 2008) in my cousin’s, Cik, room. I browse through the magazine to see some baju kurung displayed, but to my dismay, there were either a)mostly using sheers which wouldn’t be workable for me, or b)sequined-up too much for my liking. And oh don’t forget, scrunched up sleeves a’la Siti Nurhaliza. Which really doesn’t suits me, anyhow, to begin with.

That article did not catch my attention even after browsing through the whole (thick bumper issue) magazine. Took the magazine home for there were actually couple of recipes that caught my attentions, and home it went with me.

Upon getting home, the magazine stayed where it was : inside the paper bag that I stashed it in previously. Decided to read through the magazine (Nor Azlina Redzuan was on the cover, by the way) and stopped by the article. Interesting, I thought to myself, so I read it through.

After finished reading through the short article, I pondered about the simplicity of the content. Or rather, how simplistic (there must be this word for this application did not highlight it!) the situation where one woman might have to face infidelity.

Bear in mind that I was only referring to the lady’s reference to her situation where her husband got married behind her back. The situation was hurtful, no doubt, but compounded by the fact that she was what most would term as the perfect wife. The author took note of the lady’s beauteous appearance, and the lady herself mentioned that she had been the perfect wife, as deemed in our Malay society.

She took care of him very well, ditto her bewilderment when he would take another. Shocked, too, that her six year old son found photos of her husband and this other woman in his cellphone, lips locked in passionate embrace (how else should it be?). How could she explain to her son what he was doing?

The author’s question whether her husband treated similarly before and after his marriage was to be expected. I would be surprised if the author did not ask the question, because mostly that would be what most would say as the important factor : Did he change after marriage?

And the lady’s answer that he did not, but he even go to the extent of treating her better than previously. Why am I not surprised? I detected some element of guilt there, what about you?

Some might say that as a woman, I would be biased. But, you know what, I am a woman. I am not going to candied up how I feel when reading this article.

What did I feel after reading that article? I feel sad, actually. Sad because what this lady faced was what most other ladies here faces. “It is not you, it is me. There is nothing wrong with you, baby, nothing. I am so sorry.” Does that sounds familiar?

She admitted that she took care of him, pampered him with her attentions, and he in turn, cosied-up to another woman. Were you in her situation, would you be dumbfounded? Would you be enraged? Or would you, like her, be sad? She was sad because she kept thinking that he would, undoubtedly, be doing with the other lady what he did with her, behind closed door. She did not wanted to share, at least not that.

Be honest. Would you want to share, in that way? You would not mind your husband doing double dipping, crassly put? You could, really? You would, for real?

Yes, Islam does allow a man to marry more than one. Four, actually, to be precise. But in order for a man to marry more than one, there are a lot of other criteria that he must fulfill. I wouldn’t go into that because I am sure there a wealth on information that anyone could gather just by g00gling the information online.

But what really rankles me was the idea that a woman must always keeps her cool. A woman must look deep inside herself, musahabah diri, when such situations arrive. Matters not that the husband already said that there is nothing wrong with her, some others would almost always come to the conclusion that the problem started with this woman, the wife.

The wife must be perfect. She must take care of the husband, both in bed and out. She also must make sure that the husband remember that he was responsible for her, and not take his vow in vain. She also must make sure that she herself is presentable, smelling sweet after slaving at home taking care of the kid/s, or after slaving at work trying to help the family financially.

She must make sure the his stomach was always filled, his emotional need always stacked up full. She also must make sure that she was good in bed, else he started straying!

In other word, she must be a superwoman.

But then, the author further said that a woman should not treat a man in a manner where he would feel that this woman is so in love with him, needed him, that she would not leave him no matter what. Pamper him too much, and he would be too secure of your emotions to him. He would know that you are emotionally tied to him, so he could do whatever he wanted and not worried about what you would do. But she still would need to be a superwoman, actually.

Tell me. Do you know a lot of superwoman out there?

I do.

But sadly, they needn’t too, kan?

Marriage is about sharing between two people, the husband and wife. Sharing here goes a long way, and it does not stop at sharing responsibilities.

To me, sharing goes a long way. Sharing could mean sharing the emotional load. Emotionally responsible to your partner. Yes, people do change. People will change. And with change, one way or the other, your emotion would be caught up in this change, too.

Be responsible. When your emotion changes, the responsible way to go about it would be to come clean. Don’t let your partner stay in the past, where they would still be caught up in their emotions to you, whilst you had moved on, and just stayed in the present due to pity. Or guilt. Or whichever was your poison.

Yes, your partner will hurt when confronted with the truth. But shouldn’t they know the truth from you? And not from a photo in your cellphone, found by the six year old son, at that?

I would not have that much experience in this, being married for just nigh under six years. But I understood how most women would think, how most women would feel. I understood her feeling betrayed, her feeling saddened by the situation, and I understood her bewilderment.

I understood what the author meant when she said that a woman should remember that have this certain x-factor, the one thing that their partner would find only in them, and not anybody else. She suggested that any woman to perfect (as it was) this x-factor so that their partner would only remember them in any situation, thus making the probability o them being unfaithful nil.

But when faced with the situation that their partner had already taken another wife, should it really matter what x-factor one had, I kept thinking to myself. I also kept thinking that should the partner kept thinking of their spouse, infidelities would not happen, no?

I also understood when the author suggested that this lady should, after all is said and done, turn back to God. God wouldn’t test a person if the person could not take it, after all.

But, I still don’t understand why a woman should still be, a superwoman. I will keep on listening to Karyn White. Hopefully I’ll find my answers there.

This was all written based on what I feel upon reading the short article. No men were injured or maligned during the course of writing the article.

So what do you think?

Too fed up to write

I am not being sulky when Nuffnang sent me an invite to the Astro beyond but did not even get them in the first place…as I don’t normally want to go…but then.. now I do find that it’s getting out of hand..since they have too many events that are…errm..well.. detrimental to the morales..since this is a MUSLIM country. I said..I will wait out till I get my RM50 and cash out and delete them..and if I find CHURP CHURP is their company….sorry ..I am really not up to getting paid by them… U can keep the money…

I will find more halal ways to earn a living…for it will be a huge part of me.

Remembering those days…

Sometimes, things may look and feel like it’s Dejavu and makes me wonder…is my mind just playing up with remorse or stressed out? Off which it makes me really in pain, as it does bother me, since it is the start of the Muslim New Year ( Maal Hijrah ) and such a deal as I have totally tried to forget the past and of the pain and agony of the last 8 years of my life. Even though the person is someone whom I care about, loved and at one point or another , is my common law wife… we have to move on.

Someone do tell me if we dream of the person, either that the person is in dire need, such as in sickness or ill health, or death or something like that.. that we have to seek it out. One of which I do seek forgiveness from that person and God Al-Mighty for He knows what is in my heart, for I did so many bad things in life that sometimes, time does not cure.. but add a bucket full of salt to the grief.

Whatever it is, I seek the forgiveness of everyone, for intentionally or not, for life may be that short.

Great Customer service?

During my course of travel round the planet, I have encountered many airlines, the good, the bad and the ugly and among them I find worthy of my mention is the American Airlines, which is part of the One World Alliance. This bit of travel recommendation would definitely cause many to lash out their fury at me due to the numerous incompetence of the airline, but in the end the people in front and behind it are just plain human, full of humanity.

I was due for a trip back from a very long haul and multi legged journey, having flew from Kuala Lumpur to Las Vegas for a convention via Singapore, Narita, San Jose before arriving in Mac Caran Airport in Las Vegas, Nevada which took over 2 days before continuing to London via Fort Worth Dallas, New York City and then to London via Dublin airport and having done my Las Vegas meetings, I was not that eager to get on the flight back as it will take another long haul, over 12 hours plus transit times, but then the ground crew was excellent.

Hats off to the guys at the front desk when they saw my itinerary, which caused them to jaw drop as my route was to fly to Miami before going to New York, and shifted my flight into priority as I was on the business class, which surprisingly was not available on that leg. So they put me on a Dallas bound flight before hopping into New York City and even compensated me for the downgrade with vouchers and money as the first class was full. It was a commuter trip to me and I would not bat an eyelid, but the dinner provided was good plus $500 for the hassle caused and the difference in routing was put forward as a refund on my ticket. Best of all, I was happy being in Vegas, the airport was spacious and full of fruit machines to entertain me with.

Back on the trip to Fort Worth Dallas, the incoming flight was delayed by an hour due to foul weather and thus caused me to miss my connection. Another stink up my sleeve and an excuse for me to catch a nap while the crew work something for me. Pleasantries were all about as I was as patient as we can, being living in London for 15 years and the crude prank on us for train delays and such are just part and parcel of the game, for it was not their doing but a knock on effect. Standard rules apply, and because I don’t kick a fuss out of it, they put me on an available flight out, thinking I know where I was going and that they did reroute and changed my outgoing connections in time. 7 hours later, I was on the flight out.

Halfway through, being a foreigner and wanting to know where I was, I realized I was to land onto Newark in New Jersey and that is a far distance away from JFK. So I did ask the stewardess at the end of the galley and they did call up to the ground crew